The best that I can be

Tonight my mother asked me, "Are you happy in this family?" . "No, " I replied, almost instantly. I lifted my head, and she stared, and I could see her. I saw the little girl who was bullied by her own parents, I saw the little girl whose mother did not love her. I saw the woman with the abusive alcoholic husband, the woman with no luck. " I did my best," she said. I knew she did.

I walked away. I always ruined everything, always hurt everyone. Then she came, "Why are you so depressed?" I did not answer. She held my hand, told me I should not give up on life, that I should prove everyone wrong for all the wrong she went through. My blood boiled.

I walked away. I am so selfish. I looked at myself in the mirror. The burnt-out golden child, the abused daughter, the burden, the scapegoat, the cattle. I am not a person. I am only what I can give. I am not me. I can never see her sacrifice, only mine. I can only see the girl with no childhood, the girl whose father hates her, whose mother only sees her as a trophy, whose lovers only see her body.

I walked away, numb. I cannot feel anything but sadness and pain. I am scared, scared of her, scared of him, scared of myself. She deserves a better daughter, I deserve a better mother. I want this to end with me, and I know it will. 

I want to walk away, remove myself from the equation. She stayed for me, she works for me, she lives for me. I live for nothing, I take us space, take up resources. I try, yet it would be better if I did not. 

I want to walk away, but I have to accept the truth. I am a brain and a body. I am not a person, I am a tool. A tool for you to use. I am a trophy. A trophy for her to show off. I am a robot. A robot programmed to feel only certain things. 

I need to walk away, to walk towards the cliff, towards the edge. I need to walk, keep on walking until my legs give up underneath me, walk until I no longer can, until there is no ground under my feet. I am what I can offer, nothing more, everything less.